God, I survived a walk in the woods with a heterosexual man!
I normally go for my weekly wood magic with my gay neighbour (and friend) Patrick. And it is always plain beautiful: In spring, we are excited about the little pink and white buds coming out of the wet and dark earth, later in the year we pluck Bärlauch (ramson or bear’s garlic) and discuss the best Bärlauch recipes. In summer, we lie on a little chequered blanket and bask in the sun. And in the fall, we search for mushrooms in all colours and sizes. Like we did last weekend in the Little Red Riding Hood wood – it really was like a scene from a Disney cartoon.
Well, today was the first time in a long, long time that I went into a wood with a hetero man. And no, it wasn’t all about the big bad wolf eating poor Little Red Riding Hood behind a bush. First, we got lost – my walker was absolutely sure he knew his way around as he is mountain biking through this wood every week. Then, we ended up climbing a VERY high hill. And then we were even more lost, soon sliding down a very steep slope covered in slippery red leafs. Please note: I was wearing little golden adidas shoes. So once we managed to get off the slope (finally), I ended up sinking in mud – not only did my little golden shoes disappear in black mud but so did my cool jeans, all the way up to my knees. Thank god the hetero man on my side was big and strong and immediately fished me out. I really love woods, but I swear to God, I just wanted to get out of that one.
What is it about gay men? How can they make any wood into a Bambi paradise? Why are butterflies and rabbits and flowers dancing in the sun whenever a gay man enters a wood? I mean, when you go into a wood with a gay man, you could as well put on your thinnest stilettos and you would be ok…. I don’t know. It’s…magic. Gay magic. Or am I simply a fag hag?
But since writing about woods (again), here my favourite wood joke:
“Aha! Little Red Riding Hood!” says Big Bad Wolf, upon finding the girl in the woods. “Now I’m going to take off your little read cape, lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your brains out!”
“Oh no, you’re not, Mr. Wolf,” Red Riding Hood retorts, pulling a pistol out of her basket and drawing a bead on the wolf. “You’re going to eat me just like the book says!”
Maybe that is it! In the woods, girls either want to meet Bambi or Wolf! Not sink in mud.