Last year's Bad Sex in Fiction Awards took place on the 25th November 2008, at the In & Out Club, St James's Square. And I just learned that Paulo Cohelo had never had sex in his life. No wonder he is able to manufacture so many books….
You can read the excerpts from awarded works here (it's fun!): http://www.literaryreview.co.uk/badsex_11_08.html
And here are my favourites (couldn’t not comment):
“The forces of the world were penetrating her five senses and these were becoming transformed into an overwhelming energy.” That’s Paulo… Lesson to Paulo: the only forces a woman wants to penetrate her are her man’s! Forget the forces of the world.
“But the kissing, just the kissing, was heavenly [...] He made her forget she was a Communist [...]” Can just say: woahahaha!
“Sebastian's erect member was so big I mistook it for some sort of monument in the centre of a town. I almost started directing traffic around it.” And again: hahaha! To weird for a comment.
“She did not seem to be a woman, but something altogether stronger and sweeter.” What did she seem like? A watermelon?
“He wasn't sure where his penis was in relation to where he wanted it to be….” Is this a physics equation or a sex scene?
“With each nuzzling kiss the line extended over other parts of her body, gathering into a new constellation of improbable shapeliness - Archer, Boar, Mermaid - another point from among her scatter of solitary stars.” This woman also never had sex in her life. Maybe she should get together with Paulo and start practicing.
“Making love with men like Jordan Groves let Vanessa Cole believe for a few seconds in the sustained reality of her essential being, even though afterward she could not remember ever having experienced it as such.” Intellectual sex.... Forget it.