The SnowWhite 2008

My hung-over brain wasn’t up to anything very intellectual last night so I dropped on my couch and decided to watch The SnowWhite, my favourite cartoon, for the first time since childhood. And yes, yes I admit I always wanted to be SnowWhite! The best compliment I ever got was when I was 12 and Svebor and I were running through snow and he looked at me and said in surprise “Ana, you look like the SnowWhite!” I was so in love with him…

Hehe, but this SnowWhite is sometimes turning into a cynical witch, especially on the day after a few vodkas too many. So while enjoying the movie, I was also thinking about how the story would develop in real life. Even better - today’s real life.

Well, first the guy who was supposed to kill the SnowWhite would tell her he will spare her life if she paid him (a fortune). So she would quickly have to find some money. She would have to steal or become a high-class prostitute or find a job as a waitress. But come on, she is a princess, so she wouldn’t want to work as a waitress. Let’s not go into details now, but she would get the money, pay the guy and decide never to allow herself to be blackmailed again.

Then, she would never, ever just go into that little house and clean it for the fun of it. She would wait in the garden and catch some sun and make plans about what to do next with her life. And the first thing she would ask the dwarfs would be “So, what is it that you do for living?” (She never asked that question in the movie and they never told her.) And as she found out they are diamond diggers… hehehe! Her eyes would brighten and she would immediately offer to join the business – while they are in the mine, she could use her looks and her princessy style and connections sell the diamonds. To do this, she would of course have to wear the biggest and clearest of them on her ears/neck/fingers. So now that they all had a job, she would of course never accept to clean and cook for them. But she also wouldn’t accept to live in such a shit hole so she would make dwarfs help her do the housekeeping in the evening and on weekends. So now that they all work and do the housekeeping, they would always just be tired and frustrated and fight whenever time allowed it. And yes, although she is a very rational princess, she would take the bite of the apple because she would never, ever miss a chance to make a wish. She would wish to get out of this wood and this small business and become the spokesperson for De Beers or Graff or similar. And for that slow Prince Charming to hurry up and finally find her and fuck her brains out. And for bigger breasts/smaller butt/longer legs. And for wonderful 2,4 kids sometimes in the future, when her career as The Diamond Princess was already well established.

So now that she took a bite and died, today’s dwarfs would immediately bury her and find a new, younger, blonde SnowWhite who would love to just stay at home and take care of the house. As long as they found enough diamonds and made enough money, of course. But this exercise is not about today’s dwarfs but today’s SnowWhite, so let’s say they stay the same and they put her in the glass coffin. I am not sure if today’s prince would really search long and wide to find her again, because he has a facebook/myspace/small life account and there he can find millions of SnowWhites to choose from. Or he is too busy with his career. Or already has a wife. But as same applies for him as for the dwarfs, let’s assume he is the real old fashioned prince charming and he wants only her and he will really turn the world upside down to find her, no matter how horny he might be right now and what a big project he is working on. So he finds her and gives her “the first love’s kiss”, she wakes up. And first, she gets a tantrum because the old bitch poisoned her and she missed so much time from her work and dwarfs surely have a new PR/marketing lady in the mean time and her skin suffered this toxic shock. But then she realises it is the prince charming who just gave her the kiss so she calms down and lets him take her to his castle, just to make sure it really makes sense giving up her career for this guy/castle. Now, if she liked the castle, she would very soon realise she had a problem with Prince Charming’s character, or with his dick, or his job, or friends, or something else. So she would go back into the wood to wait for the perfect prince with the perfect character, perfect looks, perfect dick, perfect job, perfect friends, while she continued working on her sparkly career. Until she realised she was getting too old – this is when she would take just any good old prince. Or maybe she would marry Prince Charming. But forget “they lived happily ever after”, this would mean: The SnowWhite 2 movie. Everybody remembers “War of the Roses”? OK, now just put that into a cartoon with SnowWhite and Prince Charming in main roles. And moi, I’m out of here.