"Who the Fuck is Alice?", the Ending

Because you my dear readers obviously have a strong urge to finish (or interpret) my Alice, here the ending: The Rabbit was not just any rabbit. The Rabbit was a Special Operations cop and the way he looked, Alice was sure that he was capable of many, many very special operations.  The Rabbit took a watch out of his pocket and explained that, although he really liked Alice, he was going to bee too late. So they had a quickie or two or three and the Rabbit ran off. “There you go,” thought Alice, “rabbits are all the same. The only difference is their size.” At least the sex with the Rabbit calmed her hormones so she wasn’t feeling so agitated and stupid anymore. But the White Rabbit wouldn’t be the White Rabbit, and I wouldn’t be writing this story, hadn’t he taken Alice into Wonderland.

Alice was just trying to make her peace with the fact that she had just had a one-night stand when the Rabbit started sending her text messages, sweet like “ORANGE MARMELADE”. And then he called. And called again. He kept on contacting Alice from anywhere he went, and he went to many places. One day he was flying as the undercover terrorist fighter to New York, few days later he called from his caserne, then again from deporting illegal immigrants out of the country.  When not doing that, he was pumping up his muscles. A very different world from Alice’s. But the Rabbit gave her so much tender attention that she just kept following him. Deeper into the hole.

And then he started reappearing. Every now and then he would tell Alice how badly he wanted to see her and then he changed his schedule and called in sick and did whatever it took to come and see her.  He even started sending her presents. One day, after having heard how much she liked drinking Möet, he had sent another rabbit, just as tall and strong, handsome and dangerous, to deliver a diamond studded bottle of Möet to her door. “I know this Rabbit is just a brute and we have absolutely nothing in common, except for the same amount of hormones, but I think I’ll simply take this chance for a stroll through Wonderland.  I’m so fed of my life. I need some distraction.” Alice said to herself.

So when the Rabbit invited her to visit him at his Tea Party, she was glad to accept. She knew that the Wonderland was completely different from her life, so she wasn’t extremely shocked when she arrived. And Wonderland really was completely different. In Wonderland, floors were made of plastic. Brown plastic. Plastic curtains hung from windows. The walls were covered in wood. There was a huge crucifix threateningly hanging above the dinner table. There were photos of Catterpilars and Father Williamses and Queens of Hearts and sneezing babies and grinning cats. There were no two same plates or glasses or towels in Wonderland. Napkins haven’t existed in Wonderland.  But what was worse, so haven’t books, newspapers, magazines, CDs or DVDs. But there were toys. Many toys. Colorful crazy toys. Police stations, fire trucks, Mickey Mouse’s and Bob the Builders. And police badges and ornaments.

The inhabitants of Wonderland were different from any inhabitants Alice had ever met before. They functioned in a completely different way from what Alice was used to. They gave their babies to strangers to nurse them. They spoke roughly to their little boys and beat them when they sneezed and gave them lots of pepper. They never cared if their boys would ever be able to leave Wonderland. Their ideas of right and wrong, beautiful and ugly were very different from what Alice had known till then. They had one set of rules for themselves and another for others. They were great at uglification and they loved beheading other inhabitants.

“Well!” thought Alice to herself, “after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! How brave they’ll all think me at home! Why, I wouldn’t say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house! Down, down, down. Would this fall never come to an end! I wonder how many miles I’ve fallen by this time?”

But there were fantastic tea parties with fireworks and there was the magnificent landscape. Snow-covered mountains of joy and frozen lakes of tears and the most incredible palaces in all colors imaginable. And there was sex with the huge Rabbit. Sex under fireworks. Orgasms under earth shaking explosions of colors and sounds.

Unfortunately Alice got ill. Maybe it was the strangeness of Wonderland that made her ill. The Rabbit had to go fighting terrorists and other bad people so he tucked Alice safe in his pink bed and sent his friend the Hatter to bring her tea and medicine. The first day, Alice was too ill to suffer being stuck alone in Wonderland. So was she on the second day. But then, she started feeling lonely. And painfully uprooted. It hasn’t even helped that the Rabbit called every few hours to hear how she was and sent her dozens of messages each day. Actually, this made it even worse “What if the Rabbit was so nice that I couldn’t leave this place?” she wondered, “Whom would I turn into? Who in the world am I? Ah that’s the great puzzle! I’ll try if I know all the things I used to know. “

So she thought of her friends and family and books and music and paintings and theatres and newspapers and the why-thoughts and creativity. Then she discovered a radio and found her favorite radio station. This felt better than any medicine. It helped her remember her land. She kept on re-reading her copy of Elle and her book to keep herself sane. And, as she turned extremely desperate about being captivated alone in this strange land, she had the strangest of thoughts “A Chanel bag! I need a Chanel bag. The moment I return home, I’m going to buy myself a Chanel bag.” Alice had never before identified herself with something like a Chanel bag, but this thought felt strangely comforting. It reminded her that her world was still out there somewhere. A completely different world which, at its extreme, also included things such as Chanel bags. And then she managed to find a music channel on TV just as it played one of her favorite songs. The song transferred her to her land. And made her realize how much she liked home. How much she liked her life. How perfect her life was for her. How much she liked to write and to study and to go to book presentations and exhibitions, and yes, sometimes shopping. This sudden realization of the bliss and divine perfection of her world made her cry “You ought to be ashamed of yourself,” said Alice “a great girl like you,” (she might well say this), “to go on crying in this way! Stop this moment, I tell you!” But she went on all the same, shedding gallons of tears, until there was a large pool all around her, about four inches deep and reaching half down the hall.

After crying her fear out and remembering who she was and realizing the perfection of her life, Alice felt much better. She was still slightly ill but she was looking forward to go home. Strangely, she was also a bit sad about leaving Wonderland, now completely covered in the magic of sparkling white snow.  “Now I understand Stockholm Syndrome,” she smiled at herself as she closed the door behind her.

She never heard from the Rabbit again. She called him and texted him but there was no reply. It was clear to Alice that he was gone forever and that this was OK because he only existed in Wonderland and she couldn’t. She only wished he was a rabbit enough to say goodbye.

After a week, the Rabbit finally sent her a text message: “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!”  It was the last thing she had heard from him.

She didn’t care.

"Who the Fuck is Alice?", the Beginning

This is the beginning of my new fairy-tale "Who the Fuck is Alice?", based on Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland": Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her gay friend in the café, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped at the chat her friend was having on his iPhone, but it involved no straight man, „and what is the use of a chat,“ thought Alice, „without a straight man involved.“  So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could for her hormones made her feel very agitated and stupid), whether the pleasure of reading gossip magazines would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the papers, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her.

There was nothing so very remarkable in that; but when she realized that this Rabbit was tall, bursting with muscles and extremely hot, Alice started to her feet, for it flashed across her mind that she had never before seen such a big rabbit, so she ran across the street after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop into a large black car parked on the side. In another moment in went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again...

Kissing frogs good-bye!

Here are some breaking news for all bad-ass-aesthetically-spoiled-princesses like me! Last night, I found a very interesting hypothesis by Bruno Bettelheim. In his “Kinder Brauchen Märchen”/“Uses of Enchantment: The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales”, he explains that the fairy-tales featuring beast grooms (like frogs and beasts) are all about how love and affection will turn sexuality, which the inexperienced perceive as something animalistic (the beast-groom), into an awarding act (the prince). He does not claim that is about kissing someone you actually don’t want to kiss.

So good-bye to the idea that good girls get awarded for kissing frogs and beasts!

(Yeah dad, I do remember what you told me: “A handsome man is good for a night, a good man is good for a life-time.” My intuition also does not completely agree with rejecting the frog thing, but... Damn it!)

And here my last frog-kiss. You can send in the prince!


Fairy Tale Horror

Just reading a (yet another) book about fairy tales: Sheldon Cashdan's "The Witch Must Die (The Hidden Meaning of Fairy Tales)". I found fascinating information on the original plots of our cute little classic fairy tales. They were FAR from cute in their original versions. And it is very interesting to see that in time, we softened our fairy tales but we invented horror somewhere else – in films and video games. And recently, reality.Check the Sleeping beauty out: While she was sleeping her 100 years sleep, the prince came, fell in love with her and - had sex with her. AND got her pregnant. “When he was through, he left the princess, and returned to his own kingdom, where, in the pressing business of his realm, he thought no more of the incident.” Still asleep, she gave birth to twins. Two fairies were taking care of the kids. But then, one of the children, unable to find the nipple, sucked on her finger, loosening the poison – and she woke up. Some time later, the prince did return to claim her and the children. But! By now, he was already married. When his wife found out about his infidelity, she invited the princess and her kids to visit her. And she instructed her cook to slay the kids and serve them to her husband for dinner. In the mean time, she lit a fire in the courtyard, planning to throw the princess into the flames. The story does have a happy end though – the cook spares the babies, the prince saves the princess from the fire and they throw his wife in instead. Hmmm, a fairy tale starring a corpse-raping prince and his cannibalistic wife? And the Snow White? In its original version, the prince came, saw the Snow White in her glass coffin and liked her so much that he decided to take her home. Yet another corpse fanatic??? What will I find next? Alice eating the white bunny alive?

Little F...ed Riding Hood

OK for the start – today, an old granny would live in a nursing home or would have a nurse visiting her regularly. And please, today, a mama would never ever send her daughter to walk alone through a dark wood to visit her old grandmother. Because today’s mom fucked with the wolf too many times. Today’s mom KNOWS the wolf. Maybe he is even still her lover. This is why today’s mom would put the Little Red Riding Hood into her SUV and drive her to the grandmother. Yes, I know it can happen that Little Red Riding Hood’s dad is on a business trip and her brother is ill and the teenage babysitter doesn’t have time to baby-sit because she has an appointment for her pregnancy check up. Well, if it really didn’t work in any other way, then mom would make sure to prepare Little Red Riding Hood for her trip through the woods.

Of course, she would never allow Little Red Riding Hood to wear that red sexy hood! No, off goes the short red number, on goes a long grey coat. And that little skirt and little white socks? No! “Where’s your jeans, Hoody-Baby?” Little Red Riding Hood would whine and tell her mom that it is not fair that Little Green Riding Hood can wear her cool hood and she has to wear that grey sack. Mom would of course hate the idea that her daughter feels inferior so she would allow the red hood. But jeans would have to stay. Next, mom would tell LRRH about her own rape experience. “You know, when I was your age I was hitchhiking to the sea side. And two nice young boys offered me a ride to the next city. But they didn’t take me to a city. They took me into the woods. And tried to rape me. I was lucky that a jogger was passing by, saw what happened and rescued me. You can never, ever trust no one! Not even young nice boys. And especially not wolves!” And finally, she would prepare the basket with wine and cake for the granny, but make sure to put a pepper spray, a mobile phone with 911 on speed dial, and a condom on top. Just for the case that instead of a wolf, Little Red Riding Hood meets a cute hiker and really cannot resist.

So off goes our Little Red Riding Hood into the deep dark woods. And hey, the wolf appears. A modern LRRH would never waste time to talk to an old, hairy wolf. She knows she is too cute for him. She is aware of the fact that she looks a bit like Britney. So today, the wolf would have to put some effort into his appearance if he wants to talk to little girls. He would take a loan to buy a shiny Porsche, put on a fake Rolex (or if he is a finer wolf, a Panerai). He would have his hairs removed by a laser treatment. He would maybe even die the rest of his hair blond and get a funky cut. He would put on a sleek suite and always have a Blackberry in his hand to look very busy. And he would never, ever be so stupidly bold like the wolf in the story and simply ask the Little Red Riding Hood of her grandma’s address. No, he would be all charming and tell LRRH that he actually got lost and needs her help. He would tell her about this urgent business meeting he is going to with investors from Quatar and that unfortunately, he is off to St Moritz tomorrow early in the morning but he would be really happy to thank her for helping him with a nice dinner in Fabios or whatever fancy restaurant there is in that wood. He would entangle her into a nice conversation so that she wouldn’t even realising she is giving him her grandma’s address.

Of course, today’s granny is just like today’s mom – she met the wolf many times before and wouldn’t simply let him in. But maybe the last time she met the wolf was very, very long ago (she only became granny when she was 80) and already forgot how bad the wolf was. She would like the wolf’s charm, and after all, the new wolf looks like a fine young man, so she would let him in. And actually, today’s granny wouldn’t even be endangered, because the oldest woman today’s wolf would eat would be 26. 27 is too close to 30 and that is too close to a biological clock. But for the sake of the story we have to assume our wolf either didn’t eat a woman for so long that he is starved to death and would eat just anything. Or that he is so hungry for Little Red Riding Hood’s young flesh that he will make himself devour granny with his eyes shut, visualising the pinkness that’s already on her way to him.

Now, Little Red Riding Hood arrives to granny’s house and sees that big, hairy wolf in her granny’s bed. Come on! What the hell happened to our Little Red Riding Hood in the original story? Was she blind? Or did she eat some weird mushrooms in the woods and was too high to react? How could she not recognise the wolf in her granny’s nightie? Whatever was going on with the original Little Red Riding Hood, today’s Little Red Riding Hood would immediately react. She would try to run and find her phone to call 911. She would kick wolf’s arse with her Taek Won Do moves. But, although she is the junior champion in Taek Won Do, the wolf is bigger and stronger and would manage to catch her and eat her.

And now comes the hunter. In contrary to the hunter from the tale, today’s hunter who passes by a house and hears an old woman snoring loudly wouldn’t react. He would either think that the old woman has an old lover or he simply wouldn’t give a shit about the old woman. But we have a very nice hunter here who kills the animals but helps old people so he would go in to check on the old lady. He would find the wolf asleep in the bed, and would immediately shoot him. Our nice hunter does not shoot the wolf but cuts open his belly and frees Little Red Riding Hood and granny. In the story, the hunter skins the wolf and everybody lives happily ever after.

BUT! In our story, the hunter doesn’t care about wolf’s skin! He wants a reward for having freed the ladies. So while granny is collecting her savings to pay the hunter, the wolf starts chatting up the LRRH and explaining to her what has actually happened: He was driving by on his way to a business meeting and remembered that her poor ill granny is alone and wanted to check up on her. The crazy old witch opened the door and so badly wanted to be eaten by him that she simply jumped into his mouth. And the moment he saw LRRH, he was so overwhelmed with love that he lost his brains and just wanted to be as close to her as possible. Oh, he swallowed her out of pure love! Hearing this story from this charming, loving, strong, cool wolf, Little Red Riding Hood would become totally disgusted with her old crazy grandmother. Yes, she knows her mom warned her – but this wolf is different! This wolf is nice and successful and soooo strong! And he loves her!

She would make sure the old witch was locked into a nursing home. And then she would move into granny’s house with wolf, her cool new boyfriend. Every day, while wolf would go to his imaginary business meetings (actually he would just drive through the woods searching for young flesh), she would work hard at her new job as a secretary – this way they at least had one secure income. After all, the Porsche needs regular service. And she likes her wolf in his Prosche. The wedding will of course be postponed for better times.

So basically today, not the wolf would get fucked. The poor old granny would get fucked. And then the Little Red Riding Hood would get fucked. Because after she gave birth to wolf’s two kids and his business has finally kicked off, he would find a Little Pink Riding Hood (she is of course 15 years younger than LRRH) and marry her. Women never learn their lessons.

And the wolf would live happily ever after.

Dorothy & the Witch

Dorothy was furious because the Witch didn’t want to play with her anymore. “You fucking witch, you pretend to be a bad motherfucker and you’re just a lost little girl from Kansas!” The Witch was speechless. Dorothy continued “You are such a naïve cow you think that lions and scarecrows and tin men can talk! And you are oh-so-obsessed with your fucking little red shoes! You are so fucking narrow-minded, the only thing you can wish for is going back to your Kansas!” The witch leaned on her broom and listened on. By now, she was amused. “You believe in fairytale bullshit such as wizards, you naïve little cow, you! You are stupid enough to believe that sticking to your yellow brick road will bring you somewhere!” But now, the Witch got bored. She opened her Evian bottle and poured the holy water over Dorothy. Dorothy started melting away. And as she was disappearing in a cloud of smoke, the Witch could hear her sing “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!”

“I better be more picky next time I chose a Dorothy” the Witch thought, coughing from the smoke.

The SnowWhite 2008

My hung-over brain wasn’t up to anything very intellectual last night so I dropped on my couch and decided to watch The SnowWhite, my favourite cartoon, for the first time since childhood. And yes, yes I admit I always wanted to be SnowWhite! The best compliment I ever got was when I was 12 and Svebor and I were running through snow and he looked at me and said in surprise “Ana, you look like the SnowWhite!” I was so in love with him…

Hehe, but this SnowWhite is sometimes turning into a cynical witch, especially on the day after a few vodkas too many. So while enjoying the movie, I was also thinking about how the story would develop in real life. Even better - today’s real life.

Well, first the guy who was supposed to kill the SnowWhite would tell her he will spare her life if she paid him (a fortune). So she would quickly have to find some money. She would have to steal or become a high-class prostitute or find a job as a waitress. But come on, she is a princess, so she wouldn’t want to work as a waitress. Let’s not go into details now, but she would get the money, pay the guy and decide never to allow herself to be blackmailed again.

Then, she would never, ever just go into that little house and clean it for the fun of it. She would wait in the garden and catch some sun and make plans about what to do next with her life. And the first thing she would ask the dwarfs would be “So, what is it that you do for living?” (She never asked that question in the movie and they never told her.) And as she found out they are diamond diggers… hehehe! Her eyes would brighten and she would immediately offer to join the business – while they are in the mine, she could use her looks and her princessy style and connections sell the diamonds. To do this, she would of course have to wear the biggest and clearest of them on her ears/neck/fingers. So now that they all had a job, she would of course never accept to clean and cook for them. But she also wouldn’t accept to live in such a shit hole so she would make dwarfs help her do the housekeeping in the evening and on weekends. So now that they all work and do the housekeeping, they would always just be tired and frustrated and fight whenever time allowed it. And yes, although she is a very rational princess, she would take the bite of the apple because she would never, ever miss a chance to make a wish. She would wish to get out of this wood and this small business and become the spokesperson for De Beers or Graff or similar. And for that slow Prince Charming to hurry up and finally find her and fuck her brains out. And for bigger breasts/smaller butt/longer legs. And for wonderful 2,4 kids sometimes in the future, when her career as The Diamond Princess was already well established.

So now that she took a bite and died, today’s dwarfs would immediately bury her and find a new, younger, blonde SnowWhite who would love to just stay at home and take care of the house. As long as they found enough diamonds and made enough money, of course. But this exercise is not about today’s dwarfs but today’s SnowWhite, so let’s say they stay the same and they put her in the glass coffin. I am not sure if today’s prince would really search long and wide to find her again, because he has a facebook/myspace/small life account and there he can find millions of SnowWhites to choose from. Or he is too busy with his career. Or already has a wife. But as same applies for him as for the dwarfs, let’s assume he is the real old fashioned prince charming and he wants only her and he will really turn the world upside down to find her, no matter how horny he might be right now and what a big project he is working on. So he finds her and gives her “the first love’s kiss”, she wakes up. And first, she gets a tantrum because the old bitch poisoned her and she missed so much time from her work and dwarfs surely have a new PR/marketing lady in the mean time and her skin suffered this toxic shock. But then she realises it is the prince charming who just gave her the kiss so she calms down and lets him take her to his castle, just to make sure it really makes sense giving up her career for this guy/castle. Now, if she liked the castle, she would very soon realise she had a problem with Prince Charming’s character, or with his dick, or his job, or friends, or something else. So she would go back into the wood to wait for the perfect prince with the perfect character, perfect looks, perfect dick, perfect job, perfect friends, while she continued working on her sparkly career. Until she realised she was getting too old – this is when she would take just any good old prince. Or maybe she would marry Prince Charming. But forget “they lived happily ever after”, this would mean: The SnowWhite 2 movie. Everybody remembers “War of the Roses”? OK, now just put that into a cartoon with SnowWhite and Prince Charming in main roles. And moi, I’m out of here.